This post is an excerpt of Unf*ck Your Life, a series available to SEO Revolution and The Game Plan members. To access the entirety of this Unf*ck Your Life series, as well as a complete and regularly updated arsenal of SEO how-to’s, tools and best practices (with a little grey hat fun thrown in for the adventurous), choose a membership: SEO Revolution or The Game Plan. Enjoy!
So this is where I get personal. Through this series, it has been all about unfucking your life, and much of the advice I’ve given you has come from my own personal experience. Seriously, if you are one of my close friends reading this, you already know there isn’t another person on this earth who has had a more fucked up life than me. I don’t say that to gain your sympathy. As if I would.
I say it because if I can get through my shit, you can get through yours too.
My problem was I listened to too many people, wanted everyone to like me and wanted to accumulate material possessions to show off my success. My therapist said I did this because I was picked on as a kid, told I wouldn’t amount to anything by former spouses and was told by someone close to me that I needed to stop living in a fantasy land. What does that mean? It meant I had to get a real job, get new friends and delete my Facebook account.
That’s when I “woke up” and realized everyone around me wanted me to be a different person, and I wanted to please all of them. One morning I just had it. I was being pulled in so many directions I couldn’t even focus enough to send an email to my team.
I chose to take the day off, getting my business journal and going up to the mountains of North Carolina for the day. I hiked to the peak of a mountain and sat there thinking about what it was that I wanted. Me. Not anyone else. (And yes, the picture above is from that hike with my iPhone – no filters)
The TL;DR version is, I figured out that I really liked my life, I just didn’t like all the directions I was allowing myself to be pulled in. Notice I didn’t say that I was being pulled, but that I was allowing it to happen. Because I was giving too many fucks.
I love what I do, and I’m damn good at it. Sure it is a roller coaster at times with the shifts in Google and Facebook, but working for someone else, that would be a nightmare for everyone involved because I always think I’m right. Always. And I almost always am.
Can you see now why I’m twice divorced? :)
Here is what I figured out about me, and this was three years ago. I wrote down the following:
– The place I want to live. How it would FEEL. I didn’t focus on location, size, amenities (besides awesome Wi-Fi), I focused solely how it would feel.
– Work environment. Same drill based on FEEL and PRODUCTIVITY options.
– What I wanted in a relationship, and again, focusing on the FEEL.
– A list of people I had full trust in.
– A list of people I fully didn’t trust but relied on for approval.
– A list of all the things that made me happy and content in life.
Now understand that the day before this momentous hike I was diagnosed with severe depression and prescribed some heavy meds that I hadn’t started taking yet because the side effects scared the shit out of me. This is all running through my head as I looked at this list in my hand. My head became clear in just a matter of minutes and the answer was clear as day to me.
I will admit, I was shocked by the answer, but at the same time, it felt as if a huge cloud left my head.
The place I wanted to live that I described was the place I was already living in. Same with my work environment. You see, I built an office on my property that’s 2,000 square feet, and the house is an old farm house built in 1896 that I restored that’s 3,500 square feet. Yeah, you might think it is a little much for one person, but it is a great retreat in between my travels.
It has a kick-ass patio area for parties. It’s on three acres of land and across the street is a few hundred acres of woods with mountain bike trails and running paths. Three blocks down is the lake to go paddle boarding. It’s quiet. People leave me alone. It’s perfect. I just couldn’t see it. Oh, and my mortgage is just over $1,000 a month.
What the hell was I depressed over?!?!
It was all the people I allowed to pull me in so many directions. They wanted me to be a different person. Each had a specific need they wanted me to fulfill for them. Meanwhile, I was destroying myself. Who I really was. The “essence of Jerry” was dying.
Fuck that shit. Fuck it all.
I finally had figured out what was TRULY most important in my life, and just as important WHOM was truly most important in my life. I simply said, “I don’t give a fuck about anything not on this list.” And as I sit and write this out over three years later, I’m grinning from ear to ear knowing that this is probably the happiest I’ve been in my life. I’m not going to lie to you; it has been a rough road.
Do I still have shit days? Of course. Am I void of feeling? No. Despite what my ex-wives say about me, I might be an asshole, but I’m no psychopath. :) I roll with the shit days realizing they happen. The difference, the shit days aren’t as shitty as they used to be because I now “get it.” And I “get it” because I have a clear understanding of what I want out of life and who I want in my life. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. And I mean that in the nicest way possible.
This is what it means by “I Don’t Give a Fuck” because you know WHAT and WHO are important in your life. Nothing else matters. Distractions are minimal, the drama is nearly zero, contentment is high, and food, wine, sleep, sex, it is all better than it ever has been.
You’re saying to yourself right now, “I want that too,” and of course you do. All those things are awesome. This is why this section is in here because it isn’t enough to make it big in this business, it is having someone to share it with that you say “Fuck Yes” to and they do the same. But most important, you are at peace with yourself. You know what you want and nothing else matters. I can’t tell you how fucking awesome that is.
You see, you get frustrated because you don’t know that yet. You don’t know the peace. You don’t know what will really make you happy because you have never really figured out what you want. Find that out. It isn’t easy, and what is harder is to let go of the dreams and people who have been keeping you down for so long.
Remember when I said I wrote down what I wanted based on how I would FEEL? That is a lot different than wanting something based on how it would look to someone else and then resenting them for it when you become unhappy over it. Seriously, stop fucking up your life. Stop allowing people to pull you in a direction you know you don’t want to go in.
You might think it is rude or bad manners to say “no” to someone, but I have news for you, it’s rude and bad manners to resent someone for something you allowed to happen. So stop it already and figure out what is going to make YOU happy, and what people you want to surround yourself with. And then have the courage to say you don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else that is not on your list.
It isn’t easy, and what is harder is to let go of the dreams and people who have been keeping you down for so long. Trust me, this process is far more effective in helping you get what you want than what you’ve been doing.
Take a deep breath…you’re frustration is coming to an end soon just as it did for me.